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On Thursday, June 15th, I will say goodbye to Frantz for good. This is a letter to my cancer and one of the hardest things I've ever wrote. I hope you like it.
It hurts me just to think about you. You tried to steal my happiness and hurt all those who love me. You threatened to take away my dreams, you wanted to be you and not life who dictated how much time I had and you almost managed to end my life. You got a little strong because for many years you used a silent and confusing strategy. But in the end, the good guys always win. I've already discovered you and I am about to eliminate you.
My desire to live is stronger than yours to take away everything. I know that you are going to attack me with all your strength, both physically and mentally, and that I will continue to feel and see your blows for the rest of my life. But my body is stronger and my heart is more stubborn.
I need to say goodbye to you, Frantz. I want to stop feeling my heart stabbed. I look forward to the day when I can thank you instead of dreading you.
Yes, you have me nervous, sad, frightened. I know you did not make it so difficult, that there are others worse and that I should almost thank you for having you because I can cure myself and because I AM GOING TO HEAL, but I can not help but feel terrified by so much uncertainty.
I do not want to go. I want to live. I want to love, laugh, scream, cry. I want to surprise myself, get angry, get married, have healthy children. I want to fulfill my dreams. I want lots of things and I should have very much time left.
I do not hate you, but you are someone (something) non-grato. Like I was telling you, I'm impatient to eliminate you. I'm looking forward to when you stop terrifying me, to when if they tell me "you have a pseudo-nodule in the lung" I won't torture myself and even imagine the attendants of my funeral. I need to take away the little power you have over me.
I want to remind you that I am the one in control. That I will learn to be patient (one of my biggest weaknesses) and that I will recover little by little while I enjoy TODAY, my present, the only thing that is real.
Frantz, I also want to make peace with you. I'm sorry to make you appear and have to eliminate you only two months after meeting you. But you must understand that you came to invade a space that does not belong to you and that is matter of life or death.
Let's make peace and I promise never to invoke you again. After this second surgery we will never cross our paths again. Leave me your teachings but never come back. Promise me that I will never see you again anywhere else. You promise?
It gives me peace of mind to know that you are German, a man of word and that you will go as you said, without a trace and after the second surgery.
Goodbye, Frantz. Goodbye.
SEE YOU NEVER,